Life Manual For Idiots

I am up when I really should be closing my eyes, but I figured this was the perfect time to write this blog and get some things off of my chest.

I am in the midst of a painful breakup… Even that hurts to admit, but here we are!

See, this breakup feels different from the rest. It’s a different kind of letting go when it’s the father of your child. And it’s extremely painful when you gave them a second chance and they hurt you 10 times worse than they did the first time. And even though that in itself is painful, what hurts the most is that I bypassed all of my logic, my reason, my discernment, my intuition, the very thoughts that made me keep my guard up the way I did for so long.

Seems like God is playing a joke on me, but I know it’s just discipline…the one that I truly needed. Nonetheless, it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

At this point, I’m not sure if I want to disclose all of the details, but I know in time I will. All I will say for now is that I SHOULD’VE KNOWN TF BETTER! How did I even allow this to happen? That’s a question that I have been forced to ask myself for a while now, even before this point.

I truly believed that THIS TIME things would work, or maybe I just wanted to believe. I am so disappointed in myself. I truly let myself get so wrapped up in the situation that even when it hurt, I convinced myself to stay. Even when I came to the conclusion that things would never be the way I wanted it to be, I still tried to MAKE it be. That was another mistake. If someone has shown you time and time again that what they’re offering is not what you want, that’s a sign. Not a sign to try harder, not a side to ignore the red flags, but a sign to get TF on and to never return. And although I want to hate this person so so bad, there is a part of me still trying to see a piece of good in him…another part of healing.

The cognitive dissonance is REAL!

I know that in time as the days go by things will get easier… it’s only been 4 days! But in these 4 days God has given me the strength to keep the focus forward even in some of my most darkest times, and for that, I AM THANKFUL!

My goal for the week is to be patient with myself, allow myself to process, to grieve, to be hurt, to be angry, and most importantly to continue looking forward. While it may be the end of one thing, it’s also the beginning of another.

In this season, I am pouring into me… whatever that may look like. Also to do my best to be open to those who truly love me.

I am Unpacking the Baggage.

Signed Yours Truly, Erica Marie.